Male Headship at the Home (2): “When the Roles Are Reversed”

1 Kings 21:5-7, 15-16 (ESV)

But Jezebel his wife came to him and said to him, “Why is your spirit so vexed that you eat no food?” 6 And he said to her, “Because I spoke to Naboth the Jezreelite and said to him, ‘Give me your vineyard for money, or else, if it please you, I will give you another vineyard for it.’ And he answered, ‘I will not give you my vineyard.’” 7 And Jezebel his wife said to him, “Do you now govern Israel? Arise and eat bread and let your heart be cheerful; I will give you the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite” . . . 15 As soon as Jezebel heard that Naboth had been stoned and was dead, Jezebel said to Ahab, “Arise, take possession of the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, which he refused to give you for money, for Naboth is not alive, but dead.” 16 And as soon as Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, Ahab arose to go down to the vineyard of Naboth the Jezreelite, to take possession of it.

Ephesians 5:23a (ESV)

“For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church . . .”

For some married couples their roles have reversed: the wife works and the husband stays at home with the kids. (A situation where both need to work just so they can pay the bills and put food on the table is a worthy topic for another time.)  This arrangement is made so that children can have one parent at home while the other, the wife in this case who likely has the higher paying job, becomes the breadwinner.  This economic role-reversal in the home cannot be an easy transition for most couples.  For the man who had been the main breadwinner, his self-esteem will be tested, now that he is economically dependent on his wife. For the working wife, her frustration will rise when and if she still must do the brunt of housework. Even in the best of situations, this role reversal can affect how couples fundamentally see each other in such a manner that it can easily morphed into female headship in the home. Some women will take umbrage at this (“I don’t see anything wrong with it”), but it is to no one’s advantage if the husband becomes, in effect, a passive follower.

Consider the relationship between King Ahab and his wife Jezebel from Sidon who worshiped Baal and Asherah. Being an ambitious person, Jezebel sought to replace the religion of Israel with hers. Not only did she convince Ahab to worship her idols, she “was killing off the LORD’s prophets” (1 Ki. 18:4) while allowing 850 false prophets to “eat at Jezebel’s table” (18:29).  But all these prophets—after Elijah spectacularly defeated them on Mount Carmel (40)—were killed by the onlookers right before Ahab’s eyes.  Subsequently, the king “rode and went to” (45) find his wife and then “told Jezebel all that Elijah had done” (19:1). Subsequently, Jezebel, not Ahad, decided to kill Elijah, saying, “by this time tomorrow” he will die (2). Fully convinced that she wasn’t joking, “Elijah was afraid and ran for his life” (3).  While this was going on, Ahab remained passive, seemingly watching from the sidelines.

We can see the same pattern in today’s text.  Jezebel, seeing that her husband was “vexed and sullen” (and not eating), saw another opportunity to lead her husband. Upon realizing the problem (Naboth not selling his vineyard to Ahab), Jezebel, without any input from Ahab, devised a brilliantly evil plan to fulfill her husband’s wish. Ahab, again, remained passive, for he was unaware of what was going on. Only when Jezebel informed him of the successful execution of her plan did Ahab “arise [to] take possession of the vineyard of Naboth” (21:15).

What happened? Ahab switched roles with Jezebel, making her the head of their relationship by letting his capable wife to initiate, develop and implement plans with little or no input from him. Over time, Jezebel became the great enabler of her husband’s passivity. Some men don’t seem to mind this; Ahab certainly didn't. Why? A new vineyard (golf and video games) waited for him. Understandably, most women will complain at this juncture—even Jezebel chided her pouting husband, saying, “Is this how you act as the king over Israel?” (7). Still, Jezebel wouldn’t relinquish the leadership, perhaps because she continued to feel the need to show everyone how capable she was without any help from a man. So, Jezebel, as a mirror image of a modern feminist, went to work after putting her man-child husband in the crib.

A matter of who stays at home for the kids is a family decision. It’s a blessing that a family can sustain its lifestyle (a little lower perhaps) with just one income. But for this arrangement to result in a happy home, the couple needs to share their feelings (slights and frustrations) openly and respectfully, constantly adjust, and be mindful of their goal (doing what’s best for the kids). But one change that shouldn’t happen is for the wife—regardless of whether she works or not—to lead while the husband passively follows her.  In such a situation, most wives will find it difficult to “respect [their] husband” (Eph. 5:33). As for men, those who work full time “outside the home” should still share the housework with their stay-home wives.  (I understand that COVID has blurred the line.)  If you are a house dad, be competent in housework and childrearing so that your working wife doesn’t have to worry or redo your work done sloppily. And don’t fail to lead amid many dialogues with your wife.  

Here is a suggestive prayer, one for wives, the other for husbands:

[Women] Lord, please help the man in my life to be the leader he is called to be.  Give me wisdom and courage to give him prudent inputs and to know when to entrust him to you.  [Men] Lord, please help me to be the leader that I am called to be.  Give me wisdom and humility to lead with love and respect for my wife and through mutual submission.  [Together] God, help us. Amen.